you will always be my love ...

2006-11-28T20:19:00.000+08:00

yp..

u told me that u like kenny and everything's too late ..

but at the same time , u ask me whether if u could still have my love. because u need my love to carry on to be strong and would be nothing without it.

although it's selfish but my answer will be yes.

always yes. because no matter what happens , what u did , I love you.

I'm sorry that i try to help u to sort out u're thoughts hoping that u would live everyday happier .. but in the end of it , make u worry .. sorry..

also sorry that i gave u a impression that i treat everyone around me good which makes u feel that i have little stand in my heart. It's fate that I get to meet with this people thus i cherish them. But most importantly , wherever I treat you good , wo xing le dai zhe de xing qing shi bu yi yang de ( the feelings that i bring along is different ) . It's always that elusive feelings only meant for u that no one can replace. this feelings comes from the most deep and bottom of my heart and it's always protected.

no matter what people says about u. always in my heart , your the ever special you.

here .. wishin that u can take care of your health ( i will t8 care if u don't ) .. and what i always says to u ..

stay happy and rmb jia you jia you ..

yao you yong qi wo ..

bu yao fang qi .. ying wei wo hai mei fang qi ni ..

most important .. i want to add ..

you will alway's be my love ..

nothing i can say to reclaim things .. can't believe we already reach the ending point , knowing we can't go back like the past .. even i would to say ru he ke yi wan liu ( can everything be be back ) ..

seeing u go away from my distance ..

wish u and kenny xing fu ..

zhu fu ni men ..

2006-11-20T14:57:00.000+08:00

all the problems solved.. all i can do i've done .. wat left is now ..

everything is really up to you yp..

which step u would wan to take further in life or staying what it is now really is up to u.

it's now how u think ..
I did not blame u as i understand that your mind is still confused ...

take your time bah..

for your happiness i really think that u should give up on all the guys around you ..
even ME.
To me , when u give up on them ..
you won't be tied down by anything and from then slowly stand up and find back yourself ...

picking up the peices edwin had left you and fixing all of them back.

after all these ..

only through these .. when u are back to yourself.. u'll love yourself more ...

and when u learn how to love yourself .. u then really know what is love .

and how to love other people ..

haha.. I'm saying all these after much sobing and hard feelings critical thinking (problem solving module) ..

Yes. I LOVE YOU . but your happiness is more important than my love for you...

when u find happiness it's also my happiness ..

also through these .. u can wake up from your way of thinking .. waking up from your mistakes ..
waking up from everything..

jia you..

and think carefully what u really hope in life and have courage to move on

I'LL still stand by you all these while .....

this is just a summary of what i had to say. too tired to write down so i cut down everything.

jia you for everyone around me too..

2006-11-14T12:18:00.000+08:00

gosh. woke up at 11.14 am . been thinking things recently till guess insomia. frankly , i miss school alot , at least there are people to talk to and place to find comfort ad consocelence in.

looking back ..

Noticing the distance between me and yp is drifting apart ..maybe it's because that both parties have the same love ending that one's love is not being treasured by the other party . but it's only the ending that is the same not the process. process wise , i suffer greater than few thousands hurt than anyone including yp.. i did not cause hurt to other people while trying to love somone. I did everything anyone could done and imagine of . and everythings worth it. i really don know how to love her greater.
realising that i still could not forget how much yp and kenny had hurt me through my heart and soul . fooled me in and upside down like a dummy.

hongsheng .. what are u now? ..

I"M SO LOST..

I"M NOT THAT STRONG ANYMORE ..

I'm nothing ..

i could not believe that at such a point of time , despite all that had happen , i'm stilll the one trying to close the distances , making things better. Trying every means to talk to her , fetch her from work but all that standing between us is kenny . Isn't the person suppose to do all these , yp? kenny? .. and everyone pls agree that i'm a fucking stupid and useless person.

It was kenny and yp that had done all these.. i'm suppose to HATE them !! I DON KNOW! I DON KNOW!.. I CAN"T HATE THEM . EVEN Kenny , A friend onlY!! even a simple thing of hating someone i can't even do It well . maybe i never hated a person before or guess hating a person is really tiring..

How do i feel now? I'm just like a fucking dummy. U need to fuck come fuck me and don wan me throw me away. How HANDy , disposable and used.

I try my best every single day , minutes , second telling myself to forget all those pain , miseries and continue wanting to love yp greater each day .. realising that I'm lieing to myself that i've already forgotten all of them ..

Do you realise how much courage i need even at this point of time to take the first step once again to make things better? further more the courage to love someone greater ?! I wan to love you but i cannot do this alone ..

yp i was there when u need me ..

where were u now? do u know a bit of strength that u can give me now can give me the courage to love you greater and maybe 4ever..

I've already used all my courage through all those processes and every single things that happen in your life ..and now ..

This is what left out of me ..

I need you ..

2006-11-12T22:56:00.000+08:00

" Interpretation of photo :

Akhbar : " U bloody kuku ..call me alibaba somemore .. "
Victor : " Hey got bus! faster run and take picture "
Alfi : " Holy mama shit .. ruN!.. run!..hahahaS :
Me : " Do rmb to watch the next episode of ... "

" ever wonder y the class has no rats? ..cUz u have US.. gRRr.. meow~ "
" AH RAINIE ! LETS ACT CC (4 guyS ) and OKAY (for gals) .. limited edition pic* "
" Hohoho.. there are old people people in our class 2 .. hmmP "
" DON CHA wish your boyfriend was CUTE as US?! ! "

HahahaS.. hope to take more pic with everyone..

yp i love you ..

2006-11-12T22:45:00.000+08:00

hi all ~ back posting .. ermz .. i'm okay i think : ) so dun need worri ..

i really need something ..

Courage ( Yong Qi )

Ai zhen de qu yao yong qi ..

slowly everyday i will try my best to find back all those courage ..

love yp greater everyday , every single minute .. despite all that had happen ..

hahaS.. reformat com and took some pic's .. so .. smiles all bright*

2006-10-31T10:20:00.000+08:00

yp ..

no matter how much u have fooled me ..

i dun care anymore .. because i really fall deeply in love with u ..

I .. still will like in the past.. whatever promises i made .. i nv break any of them ..

and here again .. although i had promise u the following ..

i just want to promise u again ..

*I love you ..
*will always stand by u and nv to leave you ..
always by your side to give u ..
~courage
~strength
~comfort

that u need to fight all the obstacles ahead of your life..
*be there to protect you ..
*there to understand you ..
*be your pillar that never falls ..
*always be your resting shoulder ..
*To shine the light of hope for you ..

Wishin to tell you ..
that you are my everything
n
and every single peice of me is you.

only you.

yp .. no matter what happens .. no matter what you had did to me .. i will still love you

because you will always be my love.

for now , it's another opening of a chapter ..

where my love for you had reach to a greater stage ..

the "dada" stage you mention ..

haha .. funny ba why i will still like this ..

because my love for you had fallen so deep and could nv take it back ..

i know i love you and I just listen to what my heart says and will follow what it says ..

I will jia you .. won give up ..

it's forever you ...

JiA YOU hS!..

2006-10-30T14:22:00.000+08:00

feel like run away ..

away where people can no longer find me ..

hoping i could disappear ..

sunday.. i almost end my life.. end my useless stupid life..

i know it's stupid for many people.. but i'm still going to love her and protect her ..everything like in the past for her even this result had been ..

kick me far .. kick me away... my friends? are they?.. choosing to leave me..

everyones selfish.. even she..

love is selfish? .. love is just base on a simple thing : feelings? .. and then follow blindly..

what is happiness? .. who am i now ? ...

i've been drown .. drown my love and nv could step up to reality again..

dun feel like writing anymore or in the first place but to just entertain some ppl that cares about me ..

my feelings and everything in me now .. is so intense .. confuse..chaotic.. sadness.. so many of such .. only a strand of happiness and this happiness is what i lied to myself it will be..

no words could explain how i feel ..

2006-10-24T21:24:00.000+08:00

..11 days of hell for me ..

blinding myself thinking everything will be ok ..

I'm not ok .. i'm not!.. why is all this happening ?!

wo hao tao yan zi ji..

I hate myself ..

wo na me ai ni..

I really do ...

Wo bu zhi dao .. wo ke yi ai yi ke ren dao wo fa zi ba de ti bu..

mei yi ke wo dou shu yi ni le..

ni kan de dao ma..

2006-10-24T01:46:00.000+08:00

YaHOO! I'm so happII!!!!

Finally clear my thoughts and realise what i should do ..

heez... Lets look forward and strive aheaD!.. Yea !

Hahaha!.. jumping around like crazII =)) ...

2006-10-23T14:31:00.000+08:00

It's been 10 days .. 10 days of events .. 10 days of emotions bearing inside..

10 days of repeatedly events..

What left out of me , nothing.

I've been thinking .. thinking what is best of her .. thinkin what the life i want for her..

- thinking how to solve her problems..
- thinking of how she won't get hurt again ..
- thinking of how she can find back herself..
- thinking of how to protect her for now and the future ..
- thinking that in the future , maybe she can find a better person..

Thinking of all these , just hoping and ever praying and whatever it takes just to see that natural smile of her's. As long she is happy..happy from the bottom of her heart..

been thinking of the consequences if i made that decision.. all is best of her...everything is her.. i left out myself..

guess thats love as always.. putting the person ahead of oneself..

Thinking of the consequences , thinking of the hurt that i would bring to myself ...leaving me shedding of a unbearable tear when i couldn't resist and hold on.. but it's all worth it .. as long she can live a happy life .. a real happy life..

hahaa.. IQA thanks for your concern ..and sayang..heez.. i'll be fine..

need more time to think..

hope i can salvage myself after everything.. :)

2006-10-21T17:17:00.000+08:00

anonymous.. my blog song is meant for u ..

Jia you 2 ...

Just hope to let u know that your not alone..

I'll back u up ..

Rmb to stay happi : )

2006-10-17T08:38:00.000+08:00

Phew.. ytd was problem sovling.. the paradox thingy got my mind spinning.. whoo!.. very tired and drained.. then yp called and asked me to teach her cute cousin..

from the voice of it , yp voice and hers were the same .. hehe.. but when i got there .. things went out very funny .. and her cousin sure have character.. :)

her cousin

1) Stubborn
2) Cute
3) Playful
4) Witty (fast learner)
5) Funny
6) etc

overall , i don't know how to explain but she sure have character !..haha.. when i trying to got her to learn and explain to her maths , she just look at the chocolate i bought for her rather than the paper and keep on " orh orh orh.." ..then complain that she's tired and said to me " you so good .. u help me do lor.." then i said " u vv smart girl .. i teach u know how to do than u future u know how to do le ma.. then your mum no need nag u already.."..

upon hearing that , she replied .." u very naggy lei!.. like grandfather(ah gong)..".. then she got out of her sit and jump around (exactly like yp..hehe) than try to threaten me so that she can get out of way doing her homework.. as time goes .. she can even PUNCH me!.. just for a pencil..SOB!..

this is just a percent of the events that occur ytd.. I finally understand .. TEACHERS OUT THERE I KNOW YOUR PAIN !.. COME ON LETS GIVE ONEANOTHER A HUG..hahaha.

but after knowing that she's a single child , i knew how to got her to enage studying . knewing that a single child character would likely be attention seekin , energetic etc .. I patiently answer all her questions and understand her.. than she got to study and learn..

overall was a very fun a experience to remb!..

2006-10-10T15:34:00.000+08:00

i am so tired. mentally .. and in the heart.. thinking for her everyday .. so sure of now the situation and i had to wait for her to call me at around 2 am .. During this time.. my heart just squeeze and panick so hard that i could hardly breathe.. walking about thinking of what to do .. thinking whether should i go down to bugis to look for her.. so panick..so mixed feelings .. that feeling is just indescribable.. .. have a crazy headache.. so drained from school.. feelings within me ..thinking of her situation

my heart just beat so slowly and heavily.. till 2 am .. .. i feel like crying .. i almost couldn't bear smiling to my mum and dad that i'm ok as they feel that i was vv weird.. i feel like stopping the pretendance.. when the first tear appears .. my heart just compresses .. full of lost thoughts .. full of fear anything that had hurt her.. then she called.. i'm lost for words.. lost of everything..

knowing that she faint and situation is worser.. the remorse and pain in me still remains exactly till today morning.. carrying this .. i head for school.. and keep msg her the whole day.. The whole process starts again and all those feelings , pain , anxiety , panickness , mixed feelings repeats ..and till 3.30 pm .. there is no reply from her.. i am going crazy... i had to smile .. smile and cover my weakness ..smile to force myself out of everything.. smile so that others will be happy.. sorry iqa..i'm just not myself.. if i'm myself at class.. your would see me break down.. i really couldn't stand everything just crashes down again.. it hurts.. but i ddon wish to see your feeling my hurt and console me ..i just wan u guys to be happy...

i hate myself .. breaking down into peices this 2 days.. lost myself..

i can just now can hope and pray that she could have more rest and won't faint anymore.. thats just simple for now..

2006-10-08T20:58:00.000+08:00

I miss her alot ..

esp now she's about to fall ill . fever 41.3 .. i so worried .. hai..also with fever and she working.. worried till i do anything all my mind is at her .. worried .. anxious .. panick .. i don know how to explain. blame it on the weather and also hai.. she nv take care herself. always tell her to t8 care herself but .. aiyo.. i got to take care her. She need more rest than everyone does. after N and still with many problems ,and working.. hai.. she really need alot of rest and personal space. aiyo.. she ah.. she like this .. I not myself already. Doing anything just seems unnormal .. so worried !..

But whatever happens , whatever it takes .. i shall always stand beside her . Support her . Be there for her . Protect her. Giving her courage to find back her oldself , overcome her problems , fight her fears and giving her strength to move on with any obstacles that is ahead of her life.

If i have the chance to do this forever. I gladly want and accept it . Forever be her guardian angel.

Some people might think it's not worth it but it doesn't matters to me . Do all it takes to love her and shine the light for her .. and it's worth it

As long she is happy ..(:

2006-09-27T11:55:00.000+08:00

feelings overwheming .. tears does not appear within my eyes.. not a single glimpse of tears ..

but all these is battling within me .. the tears that cries within my heart .. cannot be salvage .. just let it flows.. and flow ..

2006-09-27T00:07:00.000+08:00

everything just turns back to Sunday, September 24, 2006.. my emotions i mean.. hope .. everything turns out fine for yp..

willing to do anything to solve her problems now.. and all i hope for is just one smile from her..

i guess i can do it and i will... with the encouragement of people ..i will try to hold on.. guess i can..

2006-09-25T23:55:00.000+08:00

hi ALL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! i think there is HOPE Le !.... haha!.. thank you everyone ..

thank you to Jia ping , anonynous , Ming Kang , Iqa .. etc ... EVERYONE XIE XIE !.. thank you .. ^ ^ ..

Nv to give up hope and Jia you !(3X) ..

haha.. trying to stay cheerful and happy... see how it goes ba.. (:

Thank You everyone esp Jia Ping and anonymous that tell me to jia you and contribute.. xie xie..

2006-09-24T12:26:00.000+08:00

silence .. numbness .. rejectness .. unselfishness .. reluctance .. a bare sense of happiness ... a control of emotions ..

bare to carry on .. holding back my tears..

i will be strong.. i try...

cause i believe one day .. i will see her happy.. it isn't to hard to see ..

i stumbles and fall .. tryin to be delighted at every single thing around me..

i try hard not to cry .. miracle .. hope..may shine the way for me..

i will always stand by her..

2006-09-20T23:43:00.000+08:00

hong sheng died..

2006-09-19T23:13:00.000+08:00

the hong sheng now ... he don know himself.. lost himself... lose control..

future..he don know..he might change..go crazy or breakdown.. but one thing that he really feels like saying now to himself and everyone in the world is he loves yan ping. love her till even life can sacrifice for her .. going to any drastic ways just to hope to be with her .. touch her heart.. love her and protect her for the rest of his life...

i really don know le .. don know le.. i have love someone till how much hurt i throw it all away.. i have fallen deep... deep till where i don't want to look back.. deep till i cannot salvage myself..

2006-09-06T17:30:00.000+08:00

Phew~ ... sorri guys been working alot of recently and many things had occured.. so nO time and energy to update..

hmm..really tired to share with everyone what had happen , more about how am i feeling etc..more about myself.. but one thing is that after all these days..

i ....

MisS my family members alot.. sorry mum and bro..

MisS all my friends such as yan zu , tzk , colin , jia ping , W15Q ...

Say thank you and sorry to ...

1. Brother and mum ..
2. Yan zu , tay zhi kai , jia ping and yp

thank you for everything ...

lastly..

LoVe yan ping..

*4ever will..*

2006-08-21T14:08:00.000+08:00

Looking back i don't know will it hurt..

every penny thoughts that run's through my mind
bought tears of joy and tears of suffer..

lost myself.. telling myself always to strive forward no
matter what happens..wishing people everyone around me
will be happy and better..

..when i got to know her.. i don't know what will happen..but felt

that god had arranged me to be with her

there for her.. protect her ..show her a new path in life.. giving my
everything..showing hope and giving courage..bring her to the my
world of flowers.. do everything sacrificing to help her ..

I love her as much as anything .. don't know will she...if so
How much in difference? that can never be told..

But there will always be a difference because no two persons
can love each other with the exact same amount of tenderness and love..

for now .. I open my eyes to the sky hope and pray ..
soon i'll find a way ..(:

2006-08-18T23:28:00.000+08:00

Shinhwa ~ the first band that makes me appreciate korean music so muchY!..haha.."thanks" to clarice influence ..MAKE ME ADDICTED le laR!..haha.. even i more updated then her suddenly ..ahaha..basically their a very fun group , serious at times , people with attiude , and their suave.. whoa!..hope to be like them !..ahaha..

about the end of semester ...haiz..gonna depart from everyone ..sadly love my class so much .. will miss everyone ..without everyone , the class won't be a class..someone won't be there to fill the quietness or loudness.. someone won't be there to IRRITATE me ( violet ^^ ) .. no more "gay" partners ( kf ..)..no more listeners ( trish ..) .. no more brothers , sisters ( mai ..ql .. cindy..jia min..) .. no more thrEe paC HOOBA !.. etc. . .

but i will still stay happI!... try mi best (:

k backbone very pain which cause my left leg to cramp at times and go numb ..go and rub rub lor.. haha.. the song for blog is by Shinhwa - Once In A Lifetime .. hope u guys will like it ^^ ...Sei Ya!..

2006-08-13T14:20:00.000+08:00

*drUm roIL!....*... haha..it's mII! again!..haha.. hmm..nothing much to say actuallY!..hehe .. I'm wan 2 join Jue Due SuperstarZ! ..haha..then Zhi kai say if i make it through will give me 10 call first then increase over time..I will jia yOU!>.<..my class mates joing 2 !..haha.. all sing vv gd!..mii?..just sing my best lor !..haha..
.. also just cut my haIr!..sobx..so short...think need around 2 weeks to get the ideal hair i want..haha..but nvm..at first thought of keeping the hair long because wan 2 have the hair style of lee sheng jie or one of the member of dbsk..but Long hair --> very itchy --> difficult to handle --> more shampoo to wash ... haha..
Lastly . I must slim !..save money at the same time .. my parents say i slim down alot and not nice so i promise them to eat like normal during school..BUT ..at home they feed mii like pigg!..OINK!..haha..so my daily intake is like double..haiz..then keep bloating and FANG gas..heHEx.^^ .. so i decided..at school don eat..reach home eat ! ..moreover home eat nicer mah the food right huh?..
for now ..hope that the time to the next SSC appointment will be faster which is 4th sep..and that everyone stays happi always..try to smile even how tired u R!..haha.. hope i can look perfect..haha..but nvm..orkAi then.. OFF TO DO my thingS alreadDY..BYE! (:

2006-08-09T19:04:00.000+08:00

my bro came back from camp and say some words to me.. told me not to everytime at midnight wait for yp phone call..wait for her to call me when reach home etc..he really understands my situation..he ask me to be strong..should put studies first , learn how to manage yp and my mum and myself. he told me that his seening me "all in " now..he ask me this question.."are u sure of putting all in ? " .. he seen me in such a state and worry that i will eventually hurt myself in the end no matter what the outcome is..

i think about it ..think throughly.. I care and concern for yp . yes i do. till times where i had to sleep late and forget my health my everything. but i don mind..she's my everything. guess i should learn to let go ..or else ..yp might feel that i tieing her rather than caring and love her. also ..my bro told me ..loving a person u cannot be always there to protect her.. sometimes i got to let it go and if i really love her i shoul let her learn how to protect herself. when she is hurt..then u help her up , protect her and show her the way again..

but first thing that i put in my mind is yp and mum..studies second.. but no matter what happens , i will be there for everyone. for yp.. doesn't matter how much i've been hurt,tired ... in any state i'm in , as long she needs me i will and want to be there for her..

just as long she's happy...

everythings worth it ~

hai..okay go and find something to it already. been always left at home most of the days already. lonelines ? used to it already .. neglection..? i reall understand that everyone have their reasons..so ya..nvm..aha..nvm..guess i can still be happy when i'm by myself right ? (:

this song is nice.. haha.. link below (scroll over) ..

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jE4BMTL4xNU

ok off i go then.. for me ..i will still myself...try ya..hehe

2006-08-07T20:16:00.000+08:00

hi..it's me back again..hai..my feelings are hard to explain ..guess i think this song really know how i feels ba..

been 2 days ago..i ask myself 3 questions..and try to understand what yan ping is going through right now ..why she does this..how is she at this moment..what is she think...what is her situation nw..

everyday, i put myself in her shoes. she is always in my mind wherever i go...until yesterday..i finally got the answers to the questions and i think i understand those thoughts that are going through right her at this moment..her thoughts..situation..plan..left with uncertainties , loneliness , despair , and the thought of giving up lingers in her....

until yesterday , i found my courage . courage to face a relationship (if any). courage to accept something that i had no experience before. the reason i told yp those things is also because i have not found my courage yet. all these while..i ask myself "i have no experience in relationship before and i also have problems..will she will zhai yi and yuan gen wo zhou zhe duan jian ao de lu ma " ..if she does..will she be happy?..will it be fair to her?.. what can i give to her?..finally i decided to take the first step..if she chose me..i don know what i can do..what i can give ...all i know is that i will accept it ..give her my heart ..give her my everything...

for now..i hope to everyday there supporting yp , be there for her , give her time to slowly find back her courage..courage to find back herself , courage that will help overcome her fears and obstacles in her life ..courage to accept another person and many other things.. i know that during this period of time yp might not like me anymore but as long she can find back herself ..her normal , cheerful and jumpy self..all those hurt and pain are all worth it..(:

the song "Yong Qi" is meant for her. I think this song also explains her thoughts ..her feelings at this moment.. my too..most of the lyrics i also wanted to tell her.."Wo Zhi Dao Zhe Yi Qie Bu Rong Yi.."..i really do know yp..and "Wo Yuan Yi Tian Ya Hai Jiao Dou Gen Sui Ni Qu.."..no matter what happens..i will not leave you yp and be there for you wherever u need me..i fear that u might give up..give up on yourself..give up on everything..but i will never give up on you..nv..i will support you ..support you till the day you can stand up on yourself..

lastly .."Wo Zhong Yu Zhuo Le Zhe Ge Jue Ding.."..my decision is to love you only my whole life..( yi bei zi zhi ai ni yi ge).. you must be still wondering why i like you ba..but really every word i say to you is true. my whole life..really my whole life.. i've been waiting for someone like you. I love you for who you are.Love you for your everything..hmm*

hope everyone that hears this song , violet also..to have courage to do and pursue everything u always wanted..u know what i mean =p..

ok then..didn't sleep for a day already..still going to study for test tomorrow..seeing my mum resting on the sofa..haiz..everything going to be alright..look forward to everyday..look forward to walking the field to school and staring at the clouds.. .haha..off i go then ..remember to stay happy everyone =).."YAO YOU YONG QI WOR! "..hehex..tweese!..

2006-08-01T21:07:00.000+08:00

hiYEe! hehe..ytd have alot of fun with yp wor..really very very happy to see her . miss her so much that feel like flying to her as soon as possible =) we went to have dinner , walk walk , chat chat ..hehex..simple things ..but i cherish every single moment of it. I really do..hmm..then i finally did something for the first time..hehex..shy to say..even mii blog also very shy..haha..so in the end we ended up at macdonaldS!..to get 2 cups of plain water and to do my rj ..^^..

when in and chat chat ..yp sorry if i disappoint you for what i said..i don care whether how myself feels to say all that or "deduct" points out of myself..but what i say is that I hope you really think throughly ba..also I understand that many people are pushing you to make a decision fast and add pressure to you..i really understand de..thats why i say this things to you..I know that you deep inside also have uncertainties about other people and yourself. But yp you deserve me than anybody. Give yourself more time and don let other people affect your decision. the next time u tell me ...and the answer its me. I will nv tell you all those things. I will be firm.I don know what i can do..but i know to give you my everything..

haha..phew..for now i really miss her. although ytd just met. =X ..hmm..oya school getting more meaningful !..haha..today wore a beany go to school and da VIOLET say i look like CANCER patient!..argH!..haha..han kiat say i look cute wor!..kawaii ne!..hehe..k gonna go watch 9 pm show le..dAda!..S.S

2006-07-27T23:23:00.000+08:00

All these days ...yp is working..gave her my love..worrying she will feel neglected..worry she miss me much ..take every opportunity to see her..wondering if she really misses me..wondering what she is thinking..wondering whether how has she place me in her future..all of left of me is pure lonliness..she has to work..work work...wondering if she misses me ..even she does i don know by the time she got back she's too tired to tell me anything..i hope she does..i nv blame her ..i know she needs to work..i really miss her every single time that i got ..miss her till i keep flipping my phone..looking back at photos ..even eating and writing or doing anything ..when my mind has nothing all of it is her..
as after helping ql ..myself on the way home on the mrt..all alone myself..looking around..i don know what i'm looking for...seen couples..wondering ..envy of them.. seen people affection for one another..each time the mrt stops..i keep looking at the people coming in..like searchin for hidden thing..by the end of the ride..i then realise ..all i was looking is for her..hoping for her to appear right infront of me..missin her ..

I miss her..

..neglection ? i don know..but even she does..i don mind..as long she is happy..

hope everything goes well for me ..=p

2006-07-19T22:40:00.000+08:00

hi all , today had been rough. yp scold kelvin who likes her alot . yp hated herself for scolding him as it is not herself. Before that i already told her not to scold because she will be this way. Kelvin was hurt at first but later ok. yp..she hated herself terribly and cried. I put my shoulders over. She was so sad and in anguish. I felt her pain . i do . but i cannot cry, i must support her. The whole day had been i don know..thinking of my grandma..my family ..my brother my mum..yp.. ..how i wish all of this things could not happen . I miss my grandma..

how i wish i can make my brother happy and my mum happy. my mum can fall anytime..my brother had to suffer in army and yet worry about family..i don wan this ..i wan to make them happy..i hated myself..i wan everyone to be happy..i wan!..yp today state makes me wan to protect her but i can't do it . theres something inside me that i cannot tell the world . not even her. Sorry yp..make u alone outside the whole night ..sry i want to find you but don wan you to see me in a broken state. .. i'm sorry..for nw , i want myself to be my own wall..i want to stand up on my own..don wan yp to be my tempory wall..i am strong..i will..i will be the wall for her forever..as long as i live..

2006-07-10T09:51:00.000+08:00

I'm so dissapointed with myself for what i wrote the last post. some might say it's ok..but i just hate it..those thoughts that run through my head at that time when i wrote the post are all negative..sad..sudden lost of myself ..lost..suddenly became so selfish..i don know y all this is happening to me....

for nw ..i still cannot let down my grandma death..my parents divorcing..yp..my own problems..but no matter what happens ..I told myself no matter what happens to be strong ..I cannot fall and give up on myself ..I must be strong because wherever yp falls , i can support her and be there for her..wherever my mum needs me i can be there for her..because my grandma likes me to stay happy and strong ..moreover my brother who gives me faith. I cannot fall ..i cannot fall..I must be strong and my wall will nt break..when yp falls , at least i'm the wall to to support her and gives her to courage to stand up again..

my bro had left back to camp..before that he send me a msg which give me lots of motivation and touch by what he said in his msg..

Bro..Take care of mum and yourself ok. Counting on you. Do your best in your studies too. Do it for yourself and mum. We 2 brothers must be strong and fight for the better of our lives.

bro i will try my best. thank u to be always the one that pushes and be there for me. I' ll do it for mum .. yp..u ..ah ma..and me...

I will be there to support everyone ..i ensure that..

hongsheng finally found back himself..

2006-07-08T17:20:00.000+08:00

as days turn to night night turns to day.. slowli although deep down inside me ..i really do love her..I hope to be beside her everyday ..be her man..her everything.. but ..slowli everyday deep within me..i'm slowli letting her away from me..letting her to find a better man than me ... is not that i don love her..i do..but ..i don know what i'm doing...after so many things happen , i seen alot of things..so many people loving her, caring her, she caring for everyone...i dun know..after letting her go..if she really wants to be with me i will..guess i learn from jia min blog is .if you lurve someone , set her free , if she comes back ..she's yours or love would nv meant to be.. i don know ..i know she likes me but will she love me...to me now i don know... but one thing i really hope to hear nw is she saying to me "i love you".. i don know i don know!.. .... i miss her everyday..even she's beside me at this moment ..i still miss her..it really hurts..missing the person bside you ..knowing that u can't have her..be with her...

if she says it... i dun know.. guess it will nv happen...maybe i'm stupid as alot of people say..stupidly foolishly loving someone..but thats just me..i nv meant to be..i will always be..

hongsheng just pauses his breath wanting to tell her how he really feels...

2006-07-05T15:50:00.000+08:00

For the past few days ..my feelings were dread , lonely,pitiful , cold , dead ..happiness had left me..felt what lost is like ..lost of direction..loss of the familiar me..loss control of emotions ..try my hardest to salvage everything..

lost of someone in my life. Someone that been with me for 17 years of my life and willingly and everlastingly love , care , guide , inspire , motivate , there for me ..had left me . She who had given me strength , courage had always been the one i look up to . someone that i can rely on. My grandma..walk out of this world in pain at 4.10 am 30 june . She had battle throughout all her life ..her stroke..hole in stomach and intestine..and fighting to feed the family. I don know y..god has to make her suffer through her life and even she had to battle and fight for her life before she dies..can she just let her go away peacefully?..y does god had to take her away from me so suddenly?.... i miss her..every time of my empty mind the strike of her..recalling the happy moments i'm with her..tracing back those memories...in the end ..i just have to bear to the fact that she's gone.. the house now seems so quiet now..

my family..my dad...called on my mum birthday just to tell her he wants a divorce. the excruciating pain she kept in her heart..I can feel it..although there are no tears ..i knew all her emotions just vanish..the inner lonelliness she felt , the shock she had ..no words could explain how she feels...I don know how to help her..all i wan to do is protect her..shield her from everything ..My mum told me to study hard..not just for myself ..but for yp...if i really wan to be with her..she ask me to love her for who she is ..her everything..mum I do. I do love her. Every single of her. She know i will but she just want to remind me..that loving a person is to love her and give her your everything , can do anything for her..that is really what true love is about..MUM I LOVE YOU. Thank for letting me be with her..thanks for everything you do...but to see you like this i don know what to do...i hope you are still strong to stand up and i will help you..the smiles of her nv seems to appear again..

yp..i hope to be your guadian angel through your life..even i cannot be with u..i really do..for the rest of my life..i'm stupid i know to speak up for someone that u don wan to but i really wish that u can find someone that really deserves you..that u think will love you for more then u love him..I just want to see you happy..even u don choose me ..u happy i happy..For me ..the pain will be alright..really will..guess i'm low confident that i don deserve someone like you.. for now..i will be her strength , her lending shoulder..I can't fall...or else she will fall...No matter what happens i will not give her and yp also cannot give up..

people seeing this i will be k ..i won't fall..maybe i will break down..maybe i will tear apart..let it be bah..see how things goes..bt for one thing ..I will try to be..be the one i had to be..to ..i don know..hope everything will be alright..

hongsheng wanders the sky in a a empty field

2006-06-27T20:05:00.000+08:00

Yo yO! hS is back blogging..haha..after many things ..family ..yp..my own ..problems ..phew I can still breathe ..huish.. after gone through this..I admit i'm really tired but i will nv surrender. Throughout this process i've changed..learn to look things differently ..know how not to stress myself already..know when to look things seriously and when not to ...and learn how to lead life more happily and more about life. Also through this process i've learned that i'm a very fortunate person..there are many people concern about me ..3rish , yan zu , violet etc...i don know what to say..but all i just really want to say is thank you. Thank you. even some of you did not really says it out but i can feel it..i do..

For family , i hope everything will be fine..will protect my mum..no matter what happens..

For yp, for me ..I will still continue to wait for her but at the same time will try to tell myself not to put too much pressure on myself and hope on her because thats what alot of friends say's. All of them worried i will get hurt. don wan your to worry me. yz thank you for trying to side me and protect me but pls do not let this affect bet. u and yp. she really cares about u and all her friends. hope your can be like in the past. sign..for me nw..keep telling myself to see how it goes bah..

For myself , aiyo..don worry me..me is ALRIGHT! those who know me don worry right?..guess your know me supermen de lor!..very strong ..haha..can take it ..will always stay happy ^^)..haha..

haha..the following lyrics are really meaningful..maybe because i find it understand my situation i'm in nw .. this song really cheers me up alot yO!..haha..share with u guyS!..kk..^^..bye for nw!..will update nxt time!..thanks everyonE!..

for lyrics goes to -----> http://www.moron.nl/lyrics.php?id=72378&artist=Faith+Evans ..

*cHinkEd ouT*

hongsheng support italy! portugul hmm..no comment ..haha!..

2006-06-20T22:14:00.000+08:00

A long time didn't update...alot of things happen...nssl things..health things..family things..too mani to write down..too mani to explain..too mani to bothered about..i'm really really tired..for a long time i admit ..but i will not surrender..i'll do it for mum..brother..yp..me..

hongsheng feel's like standing in the middle of a empty field

2006-06-16T05:56:00.000+08:00

today i made a big mistake ..i'm sry yp...i'm so stupid..from today onwards...I WILL NOT LEAVE HER. I will nv let this thoughts come to my mind again..she mistaken me for nt understanding her situation and feelings but i do..she realise it too..but it really it's alright de...although i was hurt seriously after what she say..what i say and done are all stupid but overall i do because i love her..

hong sheng soul searching oneself

2006-06-14T20:45:00.000+08:00

Around 11.20pm , she msg me whether want to go to the coffeeshop near her hse to watch world cup..haha..somehow i manage to get there at 12 .20 plus am haha moreover my father sent me .. guess my dad knows my feelings nowadays.the stress i undergo and he put trust in me..kenny and her mother was there..everything was alright..except i have a headache..thinking about things recently..also somehow feel that she neglected me..but i understand cause she gonna work , tired , have many stress and things to worri..just don wan her to worri me..stupid de me..willing to sacrifice my own time for other people ..i miss her everytime but don wan people to miss her therefore sacrifice .hai..don know y i so 2pid..when i got there times goes by and everything was alright . although i just sat beside her..somehow just feel that the distance bet me and her was alittle distant..that feeling hurts..kenny was not in a good mood and she was leaning on his shoulder to add comfort to him..i act like i saw nothing. the feeling within me is just so plain but i did not blame anyone. I know she worries for every people esp people that has a higher hierachy in her heart..therefore i just pretended. i hate this. Being not myself i just hate myself. But guess all i can do is just crake jokes and smile that nothing was going on. don wan her to worry..
.. as the feelin of being distant and plain grew stronger i could not take it..i have to get out my sit while she was leaning on his shoulder ..i just walked away..walking from those feelings and thoughts..just feel like throwing all away..and running away..she called and i got back to my sit..the pretendance starts again and till then my eyes betrayed me . She knew there was something wrong but i just want to smoke my feelings and watch the match because thats what she wants me to do...my feelings throughtout seems to be lost in the confusions questions and so many incertainties , insecurtity but i still understand all this reason for those things. every single day i put myself in her shoes ..trying to know her pain , the loneliness within her , wanting to share her problems , trying to how to make her be more happier...i got back then and she was msging..i took a peek and realise that her inbox..i've mistaken her. There was still my name in it ..although it was the first page only..there was one name of me in it..i really feel like apologising and blame myself all this..hai..but at the same time happy that at least that even there is just one msg among the 100 inbox..that belongs to me..mixed feelings again...till then i still don dare to tell her the feelings i felt between me and her..i really don wan to..
..after the match , she came to me..ask me what happen..i really don wanna tell and of course i was forced to..i don her to blame herself ..i don wan her to be unhappy ..she said that i'm foolish for sacrificing my time and hurting myself all this while just to let her have lesser worries..to let other people not to miss her..I know i am..but i just want her to have more time to see everyone closely so as coming making into the decision who she wants to be with it would be easier..also i don wan to worry her..i don wan people to get hurt..i get hurt is ok de..as long others don get ..stupid me..i agree with her..but thats just me ..BUT if she choose me things would be different..i would cherish her every single moment of my time and not choose to sacrifice for others..i would be FIRM..
throughout the conversation..she expected of what i wan to say ..and those thought that i actually think for her and put myself in her shoes all those days all was right all these while..i really understand what she going through..every single of it ..such as i already knew she's not that strong anymore from the past and so much more. I really do understand..sometimes i just blame myself because i cannot and don know how to help to solve those problems for her..that feeling hai..but i know she doesn't want me to think this way too..so i just hide those feelings again..I really do understand..
for nw..she told me not to worry her but thats impossible..likewise for both of us..told her to be happy..told her not to think and worry so much..look things step by step and see how it goes..as time goes by..the answer will come and the problems will solve slowly..don rush and stress oneself..(: ..see ..i still can manage a smile..thanks to people like jia ping and violet (lao ma) around..both of them cheers me up esp jia ping ..haha..she really is a happy fruit ( kai xing guo) and lao ma help my blog alot ..so patient and cheers me up alot also. I also endlessly tell myself to be happi also ^^. Want her to be happy too..at least try..so i just tried to be the "jia ping and violet" to her also..always smile..at least giving her something to smile about..people that see this pls smile wor!..smile can cure everything..hehe..i will try my best to smile ya..

i think what violet say is correct ..just prepare to accept any decision both me and her make ..although it is hard and it will hurt..thks violet and jia ping.

hong sheng thoughts end's here ^^

2006-06-12T15:43:00.000+08:00

it's been a long time ..and i have alot of things to say..seriously i'm not too good recently..been kinda down..

the past weeks , the ride is not smooth.. i went through and thought through alot..as days go by ..my love for her grow stronger and stronger..everthing seems better..i really hope to be the person beside her , there for her , be the one that lends her shoulder wherever she needs .. nw..i know that u want me to stay , u have me , mark , and kenny to choose..i know u don want me to leave but too mani things making me want to leave..i wan to leave not because i don love u ..i seriouly love u ..i can die for u ..don anything for u ..all i want to see u happy , i don wan u to worri others whether they will be hurt after u make a decision , i wan u to make a decision easier by not considering my feelings..also i think..as what alot of ppl say .. given for who u are..u deserve someone better ..for me ..i'm just a regular guy...i don know whether i can give u anything ..also my love for u is really hard for me...frankly.. everytime i see u being hurt , my heart hurts bleeds , when u worri for people , i worri for u ..everytime people hurt u ..i really hate myself not be the one beside u , i don wan to sit at home and imagining u being hurt everytime ..i don know y i just hate myself..

u ask me " does it hurts to help others to speak up wherever they did something to me ?" ..frankly eg kenny shows u attittude , it really is so painful evertime..i have to cry out every words for them..i'm saying all these not because i wan to push them to u ..is because all i wan is to see u happy..i wan u to make the correct decision..frankly..even u doesn't chose me , as long as u happy , i will be happy ..really..

u told me that kenny feelings are more of buddy...my is different..but then y does your msg inbox are full of his msg ?..is not i don trust u ..but i don know hw to trust u..things nowadays are better .. before i saw your inbox by accident on the mrt ..things are better..but when i see your inbox alot of thoughts came through my mind..u told me that i have a special place in your heart..but y does kenny msg have to be in your phone..mayb deep inside u have alredy made a choice..mayb this is all a lie..the feelings of insecurity came through my head..also..u asked me whether am i alright ..i'm not.. actually until the moment i finally realise actually i have not prepared for the day if u have made a decision ..I told u that i will be happy for u , i will be alright if u doesn't chose me ..all these while i'm lieing to myself , i fear and cried many times fearing that u will not choose me..seeing kenny has a special place in your heart and phone.. i worried that day that u chose him ahead of me..I imagine this day when i first see your phone..the excruciating pain i have lasted through the whole mrt ride was not easy to bear.. the endless questions i asked myself ..it's painful..all these while ...all these pain have become so painful till i become numb. where there are no tears no voice..just dead and dreadful..

every single day ..i pray that i can be your man . your love . my feelings for u couldn't express out as easily words..i tried..all i wan to see u happy..u need not care about my feelings even u don choose me ..i will still wait for u ..till de day i die..really i swear..u are my one and only..you are the person that i can be myself with..the person that i can't bear apart with..there's no one that can replace u..i love u ...

for nw..i just wanna look at the sky..hoping u do the same thing...missing u ..every single day when i open and close my eyes it's always u in my mind..guess for nw my other worries which not written just throw aside bah..avoid them..guess the time will come..time will tell..

people don worri me k..i will still try to smile and be myself..although many things are running through in my head..will try to stay happy..thats what your want me to be right?..haha..

*hong sheng heart stops here..

a place..

2006-05-29T02:54:00.000+08:00

This is the place. where i can be myself. To let my emotions take over..to let everything out . A place where i share with people my experiences through each process of life. A place where i could put down all every happy and down moments. A place where thoughts flows...

A place i call heaven...